


which would you choose? (i’d give anything to believe you)

by sockablock



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Caleb's an idiot, Emotions, Essek is really doing his best, Feelings, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Unrequited Love, for now anyway hohoho, well more or less
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-13
Updated: 2019-11-13
Packaged: 2021-01-29 18:48:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21414934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sockablock/pseuds/sockablock
Summary: Essek's long, embroidered sleeve presses up against his mouth. Caleb notes the careful, blank lines of his expression, knows that something’s hidden, even if he can’t see what.But before he can ask any questions, Essek grunts.The inelegance of it all catches Caleb by surprise.“Are you—”“I am fine.” The reply is swift. “Just, ah…excuse me, a moment.”(or: local tutor is more lovesick than he bargained for)
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 34
Kudos: 456





	which would you choose? (i’d give anything to believe you)

**Author's Note:**

> from a fic request by @tqosaw over on tumblr

When Essek pauses for _just _a moment in his writing, Caleb can sense that something is wrong.

He lowers his quill and tilts his head as Essek rises from the desk.

His long, embroidered sleeve presses up against his mouth. Caleb notes the careful, blank lines of his expression, knows that something’s hidden, even if he can’t see what.

But before he can ask any questions, Essek grunts. 

The inelegance of it all catches Caleb by surprise.

“Are you—”

“I am fine.” The reply is swift. “Just, ah…excuse me, a moment.”

His robes flutter out with an easy, sourceless breeze, but his path across the floor is unsteady. He leaves the library just as Caleb stands, the door closes behind him with a soft and frantic _click_.

There’s a moment, as Caleb listens for footsteps. 

Then he smacks his forehead. He shoves his books aside.

The foyer of the Xhorhouse is empty, as expected. Caduceus and Jester are busy grocery shopping, Fjord and Beau and Nott off looking for a blacksmith. The old miscellaneous house guests of the past have all moved on, and Frumpkin is currently out, roaming rooftops.

So it’s very obvious when the hacking cough starts. 

It’s coming from the bathroom. Caleb scrambles toward the door—

“I’m—_ah—_I’m _fine_,” calls Essek’s voice, a little muffled. “It’s nothing to—_ach—_nothing to worry about.”

This is followed by another bout of coughing. Caleb’s arms cross. He raises his brow.

“Are you…sure?” When the noise stops, he calls back. “You sound…I can make you some tea, if that helps.”

There’s the brief rustle of robes, then Essek gives a sigh. “I…okay. That is appreciated. Although I am not so sure tea would help.”

Caleb’s eyebrows rise higher. “Should…I be concerned?”

“_What_?” He sounds choked, then quickly, “Oh. Oh, no. Not at all, it is…not contagious.”

“Are you certain?”

A pause. 

“Absolutely. Just a…side effect of my work. Dunamancy, it can be very draining.”

Caleb taps his foot. 

“Really? Is that so?”

There’s another round of coughing, followed by a few more shuffles.

“You will understand later in your studies, I am sure. Sometimes…there are hazards to this training.”

Caleb begins to approach the door.

“Can they be avoided?”

Essek barks a laugh. It is quickly stamped down by a gasp, a shattered breath.

“If you_—ahem—_if you are smart, then…yes. Unfortunately for me, I have continued to act the fool.”

Caleb comes a little closer. His footsteps echo on the smooth flagstones.

“Truly? And yet, here I am, believing that you are the most talented mage of your generation.”

The coughing seems to settle down, albeit slightly. There’s a murmur like Essek is thinking in the silence.

Then:

“Tell me, Caleb Widogast. Has there ever been something that you dearly want?”

Caleb has reached the door. He stands before it, eyes drifting across the wood.

“Er…” He blinks. “Well…it seems like anybody could say yes to that.”

“No, I mean…_really _want.” Essek’s tone is…is…this is strange. Caleb has never heard him speak like this before. “Something you _desperately _want,” his voice continues. “So much so that it seems like _it _is all that matters. That its…that often, its absence can…hurt.”

Caleb considers this.

“I…see. _Ja_, I suppose.”

There’s a shuffle, like Essek is nodding. 

Caleb scratches his head. “Is that how you feel about _Dunamancy_?” 

There’s a long, long pause.

Essek exhales.

“Y—yes. Yes, Dunamancy. And, ah, and the…gifts, that it brings.”

Caleb hums faintly. “Well, that is understandable. And dangerous, though, if I may be so bold, to chase after something that also hurts you.”

This is followed by a silence, and a mumble he doesn’t catch.

Then:

“But that is the problem, is it not? When you know you could be hurt, but staying away hurts even more. Which should you choose, then, Caleb Widogast? Which do you think is more bearable, in the end?”

Caleb has never heard such words before. Especially not from Essek, from the _Shadowhand. _This is…something soft, and something breaking, and something fragile.

He has never wanted so badly to open a door.

But he doesn’t.

Instead, he leans against the wood. Presses all his weight into it, like in doing so, a part of him could simply slip across.

“I…have not been alive nearly as long as you,” he murmurs. “Nor am I so studied, or so skilled as you, my friend. But…if there is one thing that I have learned, it is that magic, for all its wonders, is…not everything. There are…sometimes, there is more to be discovered. Not that—not that I disregard your teachings,” he adds quickly, “no, they are a gift grander than I deserve. But…magic can be seductive. It can promise to do things that seem impossible. It can make you forget that for every spell, there is a cost.”

His gaze drifts down to his forearms. He looks away.

“I…do not want that cost to be you, S—Essek. I do not wish to watch you lose yourself to the unattainable. In…in the travels I have gone on, through all that I have seen, I think…it is important to appreciate what you can get. And to cherish what you already have.”

He taps the side of his head to the door. He closes his eyes.

“You are already so powerful. And, I think, you are also a good person. Good enough to teach a scoundrel from the Empire, anyway. So I hope you do not think my words empty when I tell you…_I _believe that you are enough.”

He turns slightly, and waits for the reply.

He can hear another rustle. Like a whisper, or a sigh.

And then, the doorknob turns. He leaps back as Essek emerges. 

The Shadowhand’s expression is nothing he’s ever worn before. It is soft, and it is shaky, and it is something _just _short of fine.

Caleb doesn’t quite know what to say.

He doesn’t get to. Essek gives him a gentle nod.

“I would give anything to believe you,” he murmurs. “But…thank you, nonetheless.”

Caleb blinks.

He says:

“Oh. Er…you are welcome?”

Essek chuckles. It turns into the barest cough, but so quick and fleeting that it doesn’t seem to matter.

For some reason, it matters to Caleb.

It continues to matter much later into the evening, after Essek leaves and the others come home. Now the sounds of a kitchen at work fill the Xhorhouse with activity and life, and the sizzling, stewing, warm-promised taste of dinner calls to everybody’s rumbling stomachs. 

Midway through preparation, with Nott on hand and Jester out of her depth, Caduceus takes a step out for a moment, across the hall.

He stops short of the open bathroom door. He crouches down.

No one else sees this. 

But he’s always been a rather perceptive fellow.

His fingers brush against something small, and something soft. He straightens back up and holds it gently towards the light.

It’s a flower petal. A little rumpled, and vivid orange.

How strange, he thinks. 

These don’t usually bloom in Xhorhas.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you guys so much for reading! Comments and Kudos are very appreciated, and you can always find me over on tumblr, as [@sockablock](https://www.sockablock.tumblr.com), for more drabbles and fics and requests.
> 
> Until next time!
> 
> <3


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